Earlier this week I found myself in an uncomfortable place… inside a lecture hall. Now, I’ve been to many lectures in my life and have enjoyed them, but this lecture felt different. I felt like I didn’t belong. I’d like to say that the feeling of belonging comes naturally to me, but it does not. More times than not I feel like I don’t belong in certain places or that I don’t “fit in”. I honestly treat myself more like a missing puzzle piece than a human being at times.
This feeling of “not fitting in/not belonging” stems from my own anxiety and insecurities. I have dealt with Generalized Anxiety Disorder for quite a long time now… and let me tell you… it’s not easy to manage or talk about. No one wants to talk about having anxiety, because we all want to seem like we “have everything together.” Well, I can only speak for myself, but I imagine that there are many others just like me who “don’t have everything together.” I imagine that there are others who feel like they don’t fit in or don’t belong sometimes. I would like to even imagine that there were others who felt similarly to me this week…
So, back to the lecture hall where this feeling of mine started. When I entered the lecture hall, everything seemed pretty normal. Normal students, normal lecture room, normal speaker, informative topic about to be presented… it all seemed ok. It all seemed ok until I decided that I had to find a seat. YIKES!!! Where will I sit? Who will I sit with? Do I even know anyone in this audience? Oh no. Here comes my good ole friend ANXIETY to creep in and ruin my day. I tried to brush off my anxious feelings and sit down beside a familiar face. And thank goodness for a kind, familiar face that let me sit with them and allowed me to nervously rant about my anxious nature. While I was sitting and ranting on I noticed a statement I had made. I noticed that during my conversation I said “Oh goodness, I am the MOST ANXIOUS PERSON EVER!” Immediately after I said this I regretted it. Was I really the MOST ANXIOUS PERSON EVER? Absolutely not. So why was I making such a bold statement about myself? Why was I giving someone the impression that I was the most anxious person ever?
See, the truth is, I am a very anxious person by nature. BUT I work very hard to not be. I try to remember Philippians 4:6-7 ” Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” This verse is so crucial and important to remember. Since anxiety is something I struggle with… I wrestle with this verse a lot. I wrestle with truly believing and trusting in this verse. It is so hard for me to “Be anxious for nothing”, but I try my best to. I fail daily… I let my anxiety win too often… but I never stop trying to fight it. I never give up. I keep trying to live my life according to Philippians 4:6-7.
Anxiety is something that I struggle with and it is a daily battle, but I know that i’m NOT THE MOST ANXIOUS PERSON EVER! I don’t think anyone could be labeled as the most anxious person ever. I believe that every person struggles with different challenges in their life, whether it be anxiety or something else. Every person from time to time has anxiety and thats OK! Anxiety is apart of the human experience. It’s apart of life… it’s not something to be ashamed of or to apologize for. So, this post is dedicated to anyone who has anxiety, feels like they don’t “fit in”, feels like they don’t belong, or feels like the MOST ANXIOUS PERSON EVER!! I can promise you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can promise that you DO FIT IN. I can promise that you DO BELONG. I can even promise that you are in fact NOT THE MOST ANXIOUS PERSON EVER!!
Steph Mercer, truthspeaksoutblog